| yes, i still exist |
[Oct. 9th, 2006|07:43 pm] |
amy is still alive. in case you were wondering.
alive, but busy. and sick. so how alive is up for debate.
things are so weird right now. with friends, school, everything really. i don't know what's going on. i feel completely out of control of my life and i HATE that feeling.
troy and i have been talking on a regular basis. he's coming home in a bit. i don't know what's going to happen there.
i miss sam a lot. and her craziness.
my roommates are great. kristin cracks me up SO much it's ridiculous. i randomly went to a piercing place with aftin on friday. that was cool.
i hate money.
my tummy hurts.
time for monday night football. |
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| it's over... |
[Sep. 27th, 2006|08:10 am] |
troy and i broke up. it happened last night. the fucker didn't even have the courage or common courtesy to call me. he did it through text messaging. oh my god what a pussy.
i feel so many different things right now. i feel used, as if i'm not worth waiting for. his reason for doing it was that he got drunk at a club the other night and he didn't do anything but he's afraid that he will. he doesn't trust himself and he doesn't want to hurt me. i feel like such an idiot. i was counting down the days until he came home. i believed everything he said. he told me he loved me and i thought..i thought it was real. i know i loved him. and deep down i knew it wasn't going to last that long, but it was fun and i wasn't ready to say goodbye yet.
i feel the typical feelings of a woman scorned: disappointment, anger, remorse, regret, disgust, but mostly i feel flawed. as if i were somehow a better person he could have controlled himself and waited for me. i know that's irrational but...
this would be one million times easier if i hadn't been so intimate with him physically. and i wish i hadn't said some of the things i did on sunday when we talked. because i spilled my heart to him and he just soaked it all up, let it feed his ego, and gave me nothing in return.
the only thing that makes me feel somewhat better about this whole thing is i know he will regret it. and there is no way i can ever be with him again because i have lost all trust and respect i once had for him. he says he still wants to be friends because he still cares about me. well fuck that and fuck him too. there is no way we can be friends...not after he did this to me. he has completely shattered my heart and there is no way for him to fix that.
i'm hoping school will be ok today. hoping... |
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| so very sad... |
[Sep. 4th, 2006|01:27 pm] |
steve irwin, the crocodile hunter, died filming a documentary on dangerous sea creatures. i cannot believe how sad i am about this. seriously...he was the best and i can't believe he's gone.
other than that things are great. yesterday aftin and i spent the whole day shopping for stuff for our apartment. the living room is now done and it looks freaking awesome! YEAH! i've been talking to troy pretty much every day, and that's going really well. it's so easy to talk to him. i love it!
i can't wait for school to start. i'll have something to do all day and i'll be able to see people and talk to people i haven't seen all summer! and i like meeting new people. so that'll be fun!
life is so good right now i can hardly believe it. i love you all and hope that you're doing well also! *muah!* |
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| ahhh |
[Aug. 29th, 2006|08:20 am] |
my tattoo is now a part of me. i got it yesterday and i hate it...JUST KIDDING! I FREAKING LOVE IT! it's great. perfect spot, perfect size...it's awesome.
i wish troy would fucking call me! i know his phone is disconnected but...i dunno. it would just be nice to know that he made it back ok and that he's even still thinking about me. because i don't want to be the idiot here who keeps thinking about him only to find out that he's done with me. so..yeah. whatever.
i can't wait for school to start. i love school. mmmmm...class!
i'm meeting with peter on wednesday for coffee. that should be interesting. yeah. i dunno. i want us to be friends but i'm a little nervous that i'll either be WAY too nice or that i'll be a total bitch. haha.
i haven't worked out in about 4 days...gross. i want to today. hopefully i'll get a chance!
I'M FINALLY IN MILWAUKEE!! I LOVE MY APARTMENT!! |
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| it's been awhile.. |
[Aug. 17th, 2006|06:10 pm] |
if you don't know what's going on in my life, i met a new guy that i really like. he's really great. what sucks is that he's in the military so is in nevada most of the year. he's sam's cousin.
other than that, not much is new. i can't wait to be back in school and in milwaukee. i love my family, but i love independence too. ahhh...i need to have my space back again!
sam's here! off to irishfest!!!! |
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| i miss that stupid ache... |
[Jul. 25th, 2006|06:14 pm] |
i've been feeling strange lately. i almost want to use the word disappointed, but i'm not sure. in myself mostly. i don't even know over what. i guess a lot of things. i sometimes worry that i set unrealistic goals for myself and then just wind up letting myself down. i set myself up for failure.
i always tell myself how much i want to weight, what size i should be, what i should look like by this time and this date and it never happens. i guess i'm just frustrated because i feel like i see progress in everyone except myself. i guess it's hard to have a good perspective on your own progress when you just want to keep pushing yourself further.
i know i've come a long way in my life, but i feel like i still have SO far to go. which is ok i guess. scary at times. all i know is that i've had thoughts lately that i havne't had in a long time. and i don't know if i'm just in slump or need a change of atmosphere or what.
the one thing i miss about being with someone is the butterflies in my stomach. i love that feeling. when you're heart skips from seeing someone. that's the best thing ever. i miss having that.
i think i'm just getting more and more anxious for school to start. i love the atmosphere, and i know this year will be the best yet. because i have nothing holding me back and will be able to meet so many new people. that's what i look forward to most- meeting new people.
"days like this i don't know what to do with myself, all day and all night."-fiona apple |
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| alive and well.. |
[Jul. 16th, 2006|01:06 am] |
just wanted to let everyone know that i had a blast in oregon/california and that i made it home alive and well. although i'm sad that the vacation ended so quickly (or so it seemed).
thanks to everyone's kind words about my kitty. i'm still looking for her now and then, expecting to hear her meow when i come home late and night. but i know that it was really for the best.
i really cannot wait for the fall semester. seriously...it needs to get here. i want to be able to get out and meet new people again. i'm sick of being in muskego. i love my friends here, especially seeing sam so much, but i would rather just have her in milwaukee. haha..if only that were possible. but i miss the city life and being in school and in choir and i miss so many people it's not even funny. and i miss just being able to do whatever without having to report to someone and explain what i'm doing. but i suppose it will come soon enough.
i should go to bed. genny and i are singing for church tomorrow. WOO! |
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| end of an era... |
[Jul. 7th, 2006|12:05 am] |
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we had to put tooncess to sleep this morning. she was 17 years old. i'm going to miss my kittie. what a way to start a vacation. |
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| oh walt whitman... |
[Jun. 21st, 2006|04:18 pm] |
'dirge for two veterans'
the last sunbeam
lightly falls on the finished Sabbath
on the pavement here, and there beyond it is looking
down a new-made double grave.
lo, the moon ascending,
up from the east the silvery round moon,
beautiful over the house-tops, ghastly, phantom moon,
immense and silent moon.
i see a sad procession,
and i hear the sound of coming full-keyed bugles,
all the channels of the city streets they're flooding
as with voices and with tears.
i hear the great drums pounding,
and the small drums steady whirring,
and every blow of the great convulsive drums
strikes me though and though.
for the son is brought with the father,
in the foremost ranks of the fierce assault they fell,
two veterans, son and father, dropped together,
and the double grave awaits them.
now nearer blow the bugles,
and the drums stike more convulsive,
and the daylight o'er the pavement quite has faded,
and the strong dead-march enwraps me.
in the eastern sky up-buoying,
the sorrowful vast phantom moves illumined,
'tis some mother's large transparent face,
in heaven brighter growing.
o strong dead-march, you please me!
o moon immense with your silvery face you soothe me!
o my soldier's twain! o my veterans passing to burial!
what i have i also give you.
the moon give you light,
and the bugles and the drums give you music.
and my heart, o my soldiers, my veterans,
my heart gives you love.
-walt whitman |
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| an extra day off... |
[Jun. 21st, 2006|08:46 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | dona nobis pacem- r. vaughan williams | ] |
so since it is so rainy and crappy out this morning, bob called and gave me and sam the day off. not enough jobs for us to do inside apparently. but yeah, that's cool. i already got in my daily does of dona nobis pacem. oh man, i'm obsessed!!!
brent called me yesterday. him and nina are going out. i'm actually really glad because she deserves someone like him. i know he'll treat her really well, and i think she has earned that after all the shit she went through with her last boyfriend. i love nina to death and i'm glad that she has someone like brent. and i know he likes her a lot, so i'm really happy for both of them.
i turn into a really bad friend during the summer, and i apologize to all of those who have felt the affects. i'm just really bad at keeping in touch with people. i work all day and never feel like staying out real late, so i usually just watch a movie or something after dinner and then go to bed. but i'm sorry i don't keep in touch better. i promise i will work on it.
anyways...what was i going to talk about? i have no idea...my mind is wandering. my mom's awake- won't she be surprised to see me still home, and hour after i was supposed to start work. ah, the wonderful little surprises of everyday life!
i went to a brewer's game last night with sam and my parents. oh man, they sucked it up big time. the final score was 10-1, and they didn't even score that run until the bottom of the ninth. but it was still fun. my parents are hilarious, especially my dad. i really got a lot of my dad's personality and i love it! hahaha..yeah. he's great.
and now i don't know what i'll do with a day off...i really should go to milwaukee to pick up some books from dr. p but i don't know if i feel like driving all the way down there just for that. yeah..i really don't. maybe i can make the trip there a different day.
i miss being in school. i like my friends here, but i hang out with the same people every day. it's hard for me to meet new people in muskego. but i guess i'll save all that for when i go back in the fall :)
we're looking at a new apartment on thursday. it's in shorewood on oakland, right next to where barbara and nico used to live. i really liked their place, and it sounds nice so we'll see. i'd be very happy to live in an apartment building rather than a random house.
this whole entry is a lot longer than i intended. but i just keep rambling on for fear that if i stop doing this, i'll have to actually accomplish something. oh well.
to the shower i go! |
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| i can't help but hate him... |
[Jun. 17th, 2006|07:30 am] |
i've been thinking about peter a lot lately..and it pisses me off.
there were so many things wrong with our relationship that i never saw until now.
"the web"
i saw a fly devoured today
caught in the widow's web
short-lived struggle, it gave into fate
and the poisons were injected
'it's for the best' you said,
history makes it work.
'don't fight me anymore'
your eyes dance with a smirk.
i spit fire in your teeth instead
i'm not your easy prey
you cover your face, deaf ears
refuse to hear the truth i say.
i scream blood in you bed
and leave our ashes for you to consume.
we don't provide much substance
but you always seemed amused.
not used to your dinner running,
i'm not the dish you once enjoyed.
the cloth was taken from my eyes
for the first time my senses employed.
i walked back to that widow,
still growing bulbous off insect blood
and crushed her body with my palm,
the way your hatred killed our love.
and i tore the web down
buried it in heated sand
thinking of all the lies you gave
the miserable way you held my hand.
now i can never heal that wound
the most poisonous fangs i'll ever know.
so i'll wear long sleeves and never trust,
fearing spider scars might show.
"every line is about who i don't wanna write about anymore"-brand new |
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| weird... |
[May. 23rd, 2006|10:23 pm] |
is it just me, or is facebook getting WAY too creepy?
you can now let all your friends know exactly what you are doing when you are not online. it's so bizarre. as if any of my friends really care that i'm . i think not!
i love working at the park.
my busy days are done. people should call me. well, not tomorrow because i already have plans. but soon!
working out in the morning is really fun...and it feels good that i actually do it because i know i wouldn't otherwise.
i'm going to sign my apartment lease tomorrow. i was supposed to today. don't ask...i'll just be glad when it's over.
sam it the best thing since sliced bread. she's the best friend since the captivation (that's the completely wrong word) of the dog. what's the word for that???? the opposite of wild. now all i can think of is humble...hibernate...hybrid...DOMESTIC! that's the word. she's the best friend since the domestication of the dog!
did you honestly just read all of that? you should be outside skipping rope! |
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| little surprises... |
[May. 22nd, 2006|09:35 pm] |
so i love the little surprises that life throws at you.
i came home from gen's confirmation- i'm very proud of you by the way! LOVE YA SIS!- and checked my phone. i had two missed calls. from the same number, which i didn't recognize. i have one voicemail, which i'm dreading listening to because i HATE strange voicemails.
it was one of josh's friends inviting me to hang out with them and saying some rather...uh...interesting things. haha, it was great. which sucks because i would have loved to go with them mini-golfing but i couldn't. and i'm an old lady and have to go to bed at 10:30 or 11. yes, i'm lame. i realize this. ahhh..
so that's cool. at least i wasn't forgettable for him. happiness!
i'm going to get up at 6 every morning so i can workout before work at the park. except saturdays when i will either be able to sleep in or i will run on the trails at the park after work. but mon-fri will be early wake up calls!
other than that, not much going on. OH- i got an A in my voice lessons this semester. i'm so happy because dr. errante made a comment about my improvement. so that's AWESOME!!!
...and i've run out of things to say. |
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| voice jury |
[May. 17th, 2006|11:37 am] |
so i just had my voice jury and i feel pretty good about it. BUT- i always feel that way and then get let down by what the professors had to say. so i'm not going to be too optimistic.
dr. errante was smiling so i'm hoping that's a good sign. she hasn't heard me all semester so perhaps i pleased her. and benson-hora had a nice expression. bill is impossible to read so, who knows? and kurt seemed happy with my music theatre piece so...yeah.
oh man..i was so rough on that one. my voice was exhausted by the time i got to it. but i think it still went alright.
my sight singing was HORRIBLE! i felt so bad. but i have been out of aural theory for an entire semester, so it's not like i practice it. i'll probably end up apologizing to bill about that.
i wrote a "very fine" paper. sweet!
we'll see what kind of entry follows the talk i have with bill. glll... |
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| APARTMENT!! |
[May. 16th, 2006|09:55 pm] |
we got our apartment! it's near humbolt and locust. it's SO cute...you all need to come visit us all the time :)
jury tomorrow..super scary!! |
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| i have this sinking feeling... |
[May. 14th, 2006|12:41 pm] |
so, i've been having this really bad feeling lately. i don't know how to describe it but i'll try.
i think it's fear. i'm afraid because i have no interest in any kind of romantic/physical relationship at all right now. i just can't seem to get interested in any guy. sure, i'm attracted to guys. but i just don't want to be with anyone at all. and it's not that i don't want someone there for me. because i really do. but i think i'm really afraid of putting so much time and effort and energy into something that will just go away.
i put so much of myself into my relationship with peter. and it wasn't bad, it wasn't his fault, but when i broke up with him i felt a little empty. don't get me wrong- breaking up with him was the right decision and i won't ever regret it. but i had so much invested in him and that relationship that i still feel like a part of me is gone forever.
i guess i'm afraid that no one will ever completely understand me. or that no one will really try.
my biggest insecurity is that i feel completely and utterly forgettable. if i leave a room, who's going to notice? if i come to a show, who is really going to see me? i mean really SEE me. no one. no one ever seems to really see me.
i feel so undeniably and disgustingly inadequate. and i hate it. |
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| good will prevail over all |
[May. 10th, 2006|10:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | alkaline trio | ] |
i honestly believe that everything happens for a reason. we learn from every situation, good or bad, and everything that happens is a chance to grow as a person.
i have cooled down from my prior anger and feel better about everything. things will go back to normal, because i love you too much to let anything like this ruin it.
this is the best song for me right now---->
"While You're Waiting" by Alkaline Trio
There's a hope in my head
That's been cut and bled
Dry as your bloodshot eyes
And there's smoke in the air
And it's soon to clear
Revealing our demise
There are some who say
That it's a-okay
If it makes you feel all right
It's just way too bad
Now you're worse than sad
All locked up there in side
And I don't know how you feel
But I'll make you a deal
If you'll make it out alive
My shoulders and ears
Are all yours my dear
I hope it comes as no surprise
You've been known to say
That you're a-okay
When you're feeling sick inside
I just want you to know
I got no place to go
Until the day you die
While you're waiting
Be thankful for your fingers
I'll be fading
With the colors of your pictures
'I'm not crying wolf,' you whisper,
'I'm really dead this time...
I'm really dead this time'
There's a hope in my head
That's been cut and bled
Dry as your bloodshot eyes
And there's smoke in the air
And it's soon to clear
Revealing our demise
You've been known to say
That you're a-okay
When you're feeling dead inside
I just want you to know
I got no place to go
Until the day you die
While you're waiting,
Be thankful for your fingers,
I'll be fading
With the colors of your pictures
'I'm not crying wolf,' you whisper,
'I'm really dead this time...
I'm really dead this time'
They locked you up
They threw away the key
Sutured your mouth shut
Murdered your family
Right before your eyes
What could you do?
Right before your eyes
They took it all from you
Your contemplating
You hanging from your ceiling
Can't help hating
You for having that feeling
I'm not joking when I tell you
I'd miss you all the time
I already miss you all the time... |
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| last week of school... |
[May. 10th, 2006|11:03 am] |
let me re-iterrate what nico said by saying how glorious the last week of classes is! i have nothing to do until 3:15! well, not nothing. i do have to print out my stuff for my voice journal. but other than that, i'm free!!
as for the other thing going on right now, i'm not going to play these games. we'll talk eventually, but i am way too angry and hurt right now to talk sensibly. you can keep writing about me but i've said my peace and have nothing more to say on the matter. |
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| measure your life in love |
[May. 9th, 2006|11:50 pm] |
life will be what we make out of it. and i am choosing to remain positive.
friends are difficult to find, hard to leave, and impossible to forget.
i will be so glad when i can be back home for the summer. be back around my best friends and my family...it will be so soothing. i love being in milwaukee, but the environment can be a little hectic, especially right now around exam time.
i only have 3 official "exams" and i have my jury. the only thing i'm really worried about is my exam for ethnic studies. but i think it will be alright.
i miss my sister a lot. i can't wait to hang out with her this summer.
hope everyone remains as stress-free as possible during exams. see you soon! |
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